Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.
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Joke: A Philosopher, A Mathematician & An Idiot
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
Technorati tags: humor, funny, heaven
Admin: New Tenant!
New readers take note: the previous post is a die-die-must-read post! =P - Espen
Let's welcome Laci's Long, Slow, Beautiful Dance.
She's a tv news producer, and this is a personal blog of hers. Check it out!
Other blogs interested in renting with us as well:
Lohman Trading
Tales of the Opiated Sherpa
Story: Paid in Full
A post worthy of recycling for new readers and re-reading for loyal readers ;) - Espen
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water.
She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said, "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval.
He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.
She read these words.....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed)Dr. Howard Kelly
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."
Technorati tags: story, motivational, paid in full
Miscellaneous: Your instincts are wrong!
Technorati tags:miscellaneous, logic, instinct
Joke: Life is All About Ass
A quick one ;) - Espen
You're either covering it,
laughing it off, kicking it,
kissing it, busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like it!
Technorati tags:humor, funny, life
Miscellaneous: World Cup - Where Legends are Born
Technorati tags: miscellaneous, World Cup, soccer, football
Admin: New Tenant!
Ah, a new tenant! Let's welcome Michael with his blog, Ripple Me This in which he explores profound questions about life. Here's an excerpt of the introduction to his blog which I find very meaningful...
The smallest pebble creates a ripple. The simplest thought can cause a chain reaction of events. The air I breathe in you had breathed out. What I do touches you and what you do touches me. Exploring these connections and tasting our overlaps is the joy that I am discovering
So... what are you waiting for? Check it out.
Story: The Emperor and The Seed
The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here after one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed.
Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened, Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace. When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "What great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!" All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!"
When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?
Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds, which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
But
So be careful what you plant now, It will determine what you will reap tomorrow, The seeds you now scatter, Will make life worse or better, your life or the ones who will come after. Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, or you will pay for the choices you plant today.
Technorati tags:story, miscellaneous, motivational
Admin: New Tenant!
*Clap clap* A new tenant! This week let's give a warm welcome for High Denzity! As described by the blogger himself, this blog is about anything that interests him. From blogging to computers, current events, gadgets, movies and even politics. Check it out, it's a good read.
Monday, June 12, 2006Admin: Update on Hold
Hey guys, due to failure to replenish credits for random hits at BlogExplosion, there was a serious plunge in daily visits in the past month. Thus, the previous few posts are missed out by soooo many people! I personally like the past few posts (I'm referring to the non-jokes, the stories in particular) very much and will hold out for a wk before adding a new post so that "new" visitors can read them. These posts are really good and I wana share them with more people. Thanks!
Recommended read:
Story: 7 Wonders of the World
Story: Why do Women Cry?
Story: The Hospital Window
Joke: Bill Gates and General Motors
I'm not sure how long this joke has been around... At a recent computer expo? ;) - Espen
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
Technorati tags: humor, funny, Microsoft
Story: 7 Wonders of the World
A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noticed that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:
1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love."
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder - that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
Technorati tags:story, motivational, seven wonders
Miscellaneous: Things You Didn't Know
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb,
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Technorati tags: miscellaneous, fun fact, general knowledge
Health: Study On Tears
To cry is to heal...
There was a study done where a control group of 100 people were divided into two.
50 people watched a very funny, tears-of laughter type movie. 50 watched a very sad and tears of compassion type movie.
At the end of the sessions researchers collected the "happy tears" andthe "sad tears" with eye droppers.
They found that "happy tears" are made up of brine... salt water and not a great deal else.
However the "sad tears" were found to contain the very same chemicals and enzymes that are found in tumours, ulcers and other such lumps and bumps and sicknesses throughout the body.
This test concluded that the body, when crying in sadness etc is literally flushing out all of the toxic-chemicals that accumulate and are a part of the sadness/heartache experience.
Therefore if one holds back those tears, those toxic-waters will find somewhere else to deposit themselves... and prolonged lack-of-crying-release will guarantee that the body will accumulate a huge amount of internal pollution and toxicity that should have been released through the tears... is it any wonder that the eyes sting so much when we hold back our tears?
Technorati tags: health, miscellaneous, tears
P.S Let's not forget to welcome Cat, our tenant who's wif us for this wk! View entry below...
Admin: New Tenant
Hi guys, another tenant has moved in for the week! Have been too busy lately to update the blog but let us have a better-late-than-never welcome for Cat's Living with Multiple Personalities! This blog includes her personal struggle with her journey through life while being diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. Check it out!
Thursday, June 01, 2006Story: Why Do Women Cry?
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a woman,"she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said, "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
Techonrati tags:story, women, miscellaneous
