Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.


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Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Joke: A Bad Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he was devastated at losing such an important part of himself. But as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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posted by sc @ 8:11 pm |

Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Miscellaneous: 12 Ways to Be Happy

  1. Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things.
  2. Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everyting, and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.
  3. Don't take yourself too seriously. Don't think that somehow you should be protected from misfortune that befalls other people.
  4. You can't please everybody. Don't let criticism worry you.
  5. Don't let your neighbour set your standards. Be yourself.
  6. Do things you enjoy doing but stay out of debt.
  7. Never borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than real ones.
  8. Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish jealousy, avoid people ho make you unhappy.
  9. Have many interests. If you can't travel, read about new places.
  10. Don't hold postmortems. Don't spend your time brooding over sorrows or mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things.
  11. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.
  12. Keep busy at something. A busy person never has time to be unhappy.

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posted by sc @ 4:57 pm |

Sunday, October 22, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!

Let's give a warm welcome to CyberCelt's Texas RV Travel Blog! As described by the blogger, this blog is all about...

Texas Travel, RV optional. Enjoy birding, spring-fed rivers, scenic byways, historical sites, wild flowers, backroads, parks, forts, missions and larger-than-life-Texans. USAer blog now syndicated in Austin and San Francisco through BlogBurst.

Recent interesting posts for Halloween, check it out!

posted by sc @ 12:49 pm |

Saturday, October 21, 2006
Joke: The Risk of Generalisation...

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

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posted by sc @ 9:32 am |

Sunday, October 15, 2006
Joke: Irish Medical Dictionary

No offence to the Irish heh, I just kept the title as it is from the email I received =P - Espen

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to a cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be after you're eight

Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well-known

Labour pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post operative - A letter carrier

Recovery room - A place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Secretion - Hiding something

Seizure - Roman emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal illness - Getting ill at the airport

Tumour - One plus one more

Urine - Opposite of you're out

2 x Condoms - To be sure, to be sure

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posted by sc @ 9:07 pm |

Friday, October 13, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!

Let's give a warm welcome to Lonnie's ONEMANBANDWIDTH. As described by the blogger himself:

Cartoons,Photos,Travel, Diary, Humor, Politics and non-partisan editorials ...All from atop the Great Firewall in China... A China Blog by an American professor on the far,far side of the cultural divide

Sounds interesting isn't it? Check it out!

Thanks to Taking a Sanity Break and Pictures From My World for also bidding! =P

posted by sc @ 10:15 pm |

Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Joke: 2 Nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

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posted by sc @ 9:22 pm |

Sunday, October 08, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!

Let's give a better-late-than-never welcome to chanceany's Movie-DVD Reviews! Sorry I've been busy studying for tests the past few days, finally finished the midterms, haha. Anyway, as the title suggests, the blog gives a brief outline about the movie and the then the blogger gives his comments and ratings for the show. Check it out. :)

posted by sc @ 1:10 pm |

Saturday, October 07, 2006
Miscellaneous: Weight Watcher's Guide

  1. Put coffee in your milk instead of milk in your coffee. Fill your coffee with skim milk. Drink it - except for the amount you would put in your coffee. Pour your coffee into the mug. You just got 25 percent of the vitamin D you need and 30 percent of the calcium you need for the day.
  2. Take a multivitamin every morning.
  3. Before every meal, drink two glasses of water. You'll eat less and be hydrated.
  4. Love pizza? Order it with double tomato and light cheese. The tomato can help prevent prostate cancer. Less cheese = fewer calories and fat.
  5. Love sandwiches? Add two slices of tomato and skip the cheese. Same reasons as above.
  6. Lavish onions on anything and everything. They're good for your heart.
  7. Love junk food? Eat it if you must, but follow it with two glasses of water. Yes, the water will actually flush away some - but not all - of the sodium. You're stuck with the fat.
  8. Love to eat in restaurants? Always order iced tea to drink. It fights heart disease, cancer and even wrinkles.
  9. Do eat a healthy snack about 3pm every day. You'll have more energy and eat less for dinner. Ideas: Yoghurt and fruit, crackers and cheese, hard-boiled egg, an apple etc.
  10. Love fruit? Always eat it with the skin on. (This doesn't apply to oranges and bananas, you silly.)
  11. To make sure you drink enough water every day, fill a half-gallon bottle in the morning. Take it to the office. Drink it before you go home.
  12. Eat red fruit. It's packed with lycopene (good for your heart). Choose ruby red grapefruit, watermelon and guava.
  13. Eat salmon once a week. It's rich with omega-3 fatty acids, which help prevent heart attacks and ward off depression.
  14. Wash your meat. Yeah, you read that right. Washing it removes up to 50 percent of the fat and cholesterol. Here's how you do it: After you brown ground beef, move it to a colander and rinse it with hot tap water.
  15. Love salad? Instead of drowning it in dressing, keep the dressing on the side. Dip your fork in the dressing first and then in the salad. Eat. That really cuts down the fat!
  16. When you eat broccoli, dress it up with margarine, olive oil, or cheese sauce. Broccoli is packed with beta-carotene, but this major antioxidant works best when accompanied by fat molecules.
  17. Love seconds? Go ahead - but only the vegetables. Eat at least 3 servings of veggies every day. More is even better.
  18. Spread out your fat intake throughout the day. The immediate cause of most heart attacks is your last fatty meal.
  19. Always eat dessert! (Now that's a diet tip.) Just make sure it's a small amount. Sweets signal your brain that it's time to stop eating.
  20. Love a bedtime snack? Make it a bowl of dry cereal. It will make you sleepy and give you a fiber boost.

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posted by sc @ 9:35 pm |

Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Joke: Some Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

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posted by sc @ 10:52 am |

Previous Posts

  • Health: 'Pick the right veg' for health
  • Miscellaneous: Funny Pepsi adverts
  • Joke: Funny exam answers
  • Health: Cook instant noodles the correct way
  • Miscellaneous: Just Some Nice Caricatures...
  • Miscellaneous: Dusty and Nice
  • Miscellaneous: Office 2010: The Movie
  • Joke: Dilbert's One-liners
  • Miscellaneous: Apple vs Blackberry
  • Miscellaneous: Tax System - Explained In Beer!
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