Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.
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Joke: Kids Say the Darnest Things
In class one day, Mr Johnson pulled little Johnny over to his desk after a test.
He said, "Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating in your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr Johnson to prove it.
"Well, I was looking over your test and the question was, "Who was our first president?". And Mary, the little girl next to you put 'George Washington' and so did you."
"So? Everyone knows that."
"Well, the next question was 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"I remembered that," said Johnny.
"The next question was 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'Don't know' and you put 'Me neither'."
Three young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the fastest.
Said the first, "My dad is so fast, he can shoot an arrow, run after it and catch it in his bare hands."
Said the second, "My dad is even faster. He can shoot a gun, run after the bullet and catch it in his bare hands."
Said the third, "My dad is the fastest. He gets off work at 5pm and he's home by 4.30pm."
Technorati tags:humor, funny, kids
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!
Here we go, a new tenant of the week! Today we have Kelly's Full Metal Photographer showing us some of the wonderful pics taken by him. Check it out! Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Joke: Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "late JC".
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Technorati tags:humor, funny, religion
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Miscellaneous: The Positive Side of Life
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
Some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have wierd names,
and all are different colours but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!
"And that person was me."... Please don't keep this message to yourself. Send it to those who mean so much to you... NOW.
Technorati tags:miscellaneous, motivational, life
Joke: Lateral Thinking Puzzle
A lame riddle -_-" - Espen
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
Technorati tags:riddle, funny, humor
Miscellaneous: Strange Things You Likely Didn't Know
Hey guys, I'll be on vacation in Perth for almost a week so here are 3 posts in advance, dun forget to come back aft a week for new posts! =P Take note that these so-called interesting "facts" have not been verified by me... Viewer discretion pls...- Espen
- A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
- The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
- Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
- There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
- The name "Wendy" was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
- If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
- Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
- The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
- The Guiness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
- Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
- The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you could't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
Technorati tags:general knowledge, interesting, miscellaneous
Monday, March 20, 2006
Miscellaneous: Don't Pass Up Chances
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched "Jeopardy" on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain." And my personal favourite, "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get boy-boy or girl-girl toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would've died happy.
Now, go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to, not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end, you will understand why it's worth reading.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry-go-round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...thrown away...life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to...I cherish our friendship.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!"
Technorati tags:miscellaneous, chances, self-help
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!
Here's a late intro to my new tenant... I present to you RockyJay.com, an adult-content blog. Dear readers who're not underaged, feel free to visit the blog which has pretty interesting broad-based articles... Saturday, March 18, 2006
Joke: World's Funniest
According to the email I received long ago, this is the world's funniest joke *shrugs* My sincerest apologies for this late update. Apparently, blogspot was down and my blog couldn't load properly... - Espen
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Technorati tags:humor, funny, world's funniest
Joke: Female Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Technorati tags:humor, funny, woman
Monday, March 13, 2006
Story: Sweet - For My Friends to Ponder on and Learn Something
Written by a doctor in China...
It was a busy morning, approximately 8.30am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9am. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redressed his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had an important appointment that morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognised him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose pimples on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. "The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the best of everything that comes along their way."
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Admin: GRAND-PA for Sale
My blog is worth $5,080.86.
How much is your blog worth?
Yup, just tested out this thing on technorati and realised how "valuable" my blog has become, hehe. Any interested party please leave your contact under comments. The price is very negotiable, lol. ;)
Saturday, March 11, 2006Joke: If Movies Teach Us Anything...
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Friday, March 10, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!
Yupz, it's another tenant I have here. Today I present to you Mystickal Incense & More Blog owned by Stephanie. What's it about u're wondering? This is posted in the blog itself...
This is the weblog of the website Mystickal Incense & More. This isn't just a business blog folks! We have daily rants, contests, reviews, and much more! Stephanie hand-makes all of the incense, candles, bath & body products, and other items sold at Mystickal Incense. Check out our weblog design services here. Welcome!
Do check it out!
Thursday, March 09, 2006Joke: Makeover
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?".
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
*SCROLL DOWN FOR GOD'S REPLY*
God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
Technorati tags: makeover, humor, funny
Tuesday, March 07, 2006Joke: A Worthy Question
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!
Technorati tags: King Arthur, worthy question
Miscellaneous: Gry
My friend asked me, "There are 3 words in the English language ending with 'gry'. Two of them are 'hungry' and 'angry', what is the 3rd? Unable to think of an answer, I tried my luck with dictionary.com and the answer to this question is interestingly there...here's the original that this question is derived from...lame... - Espen
Q: "Angry" and "hungry" are two words that end in "gry".There are three words in the English language. What is the third word? Everyone knows what it means and everyone uses it every day. Look closely and I have already given you the third word. What is it?
This puzzle has circulated widely on the Internet for some years, but usually in an abbreviated form such as "Name three common English words ending in 'gry'", which has no good third answer.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Miscellaneous: Suspended Toilet
I had problems trying to surf back to the blog where I first saw this pic, whether on BE or Blogmad...dear owner of this pic, if you chance upon my blog, leave your link in the comments and I'll link this post to your blog, thanx! - Espen
Really great "paintwork" done on the toilet floor, imagine walking into the toilet for the first time... Bet you'll be "swept off your feet" even if you aren't drunk! ;) Thursday, March 02, 2006
Admin: New Tenant!
Today, I present to you, the blog of the week, MOM IS NUTZ, a regularly updated personal blog of Kellie's... Check it out!
Miscellaneous: How to Make a Good First Impression
First impressions matter... a lot. So, you've painstakingly put on your makeup, dressed in your best clothes, and added some expensive jewelry and accessories. You should knock 'em out, right? Not necessarily...
There's more to a good first impression than meets the eye. Unfortunately, humans are quick to judge. You can completely blow it if you don't consider everything, including who you're meeting and how they will perceive you in the environment where the introductions will take place.
If the first impression is bad, you won't always have a second chance. So how do you put your best foot forward and impress others with your good looks, grace and charm? There are several ways to show that you're not only approachable, but quite charismatic.
Appearance
Let's face it, your appearance is the first thing people are going to notice about you. The importance is unmistakable. You have just seconds to grab that person's attention and show off your finer points.
Dress appropriately for the occasion and the weather. If you're headed to a business meeting or job interview, keep your attire professional and simple. On the other hand, a party or night out on the town may call for something fun and just a little flirty. If you're not certain how to dress, err on the side of caution and be conservative.
Keep your makeup fresh and natural-looking. People need to see the "real" you and if there's a hint of deception, you'll strike out. Choose a hairstyle that compliments your clothing and flatters your face. A style that's neat and low-maintenance usually does the trick.
Body Language
Good posture is very important, so stand up straight and be confident. To be sociable, open up and smile. Make eye contact and show interest in your new acquaintance. A short but firm handshake is always welcome and crucial in business settings.
Tension and nervousness emerge in several ways, such as facial expressions and gestures. There's nothing more disconcerting than meeting someone who obviously doesn't want to be there -- that is not the first impression you want to make. Keep your hands off of your hips and don't cross them. Relax, don't fidget, and be yourself.
Content and Conversation
Believe it or not, what you say and how you say it are not nearly as important as appearance and body language, but don't discount it. Carry on an intelligent conversation and show interest in what the other person has to say. If you make them feel well-received and worthy, chances are, that will be reciprocated.
Don't sweat it. To make the best first impression, prepare yourself and focus on good things. Be optimistic, enjoy yourself and have fun. Isn't that what life's all about?
Technorati tags:grooming, first impression
