Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.
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Joke: Pick Up Lines
Bond. James Bond.
Off. Piss off.
Hello.
Goodbye.
Queuing is so boring, don't you find?
It is now.
Shall we go and see a film next week?
I've seen it.
Why not be original and say yes?
No.
You're irresistible.
You're resistible.
What's it like being the most attractive person here?
You'll never know.
Would you like to come back to my place for a bacardi and grope?
No, just a gin and platonic, thanks.
Very difficult getting served here. What are you having in case I get served first?
An attack of nausea.
Do you kiss with your eyes closed?
I would if I were kissing you.
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day.
Yes - I was looking for a brain cell.
I think I could make you very happy.
Why, are you leaving?
I'd go through anything for you.
Great, the exit's just over there.
Hey baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter.
Are you free tomorrow night?
No, but I'm on special offer the day after.
Can I buy you a drink?
I would think so - why don't you ask the barman?
Can I buy you a drink?
I'd rather just have the cash.
Where have you been all my life?
What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.
Can you give me your name, please?
I don't think 'Melissa' would suit you.
Cheer up darling, it may never happen.
It just has.
Do you mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
I'm sure I've noticed you before.
I'm not sure I've even noticed you yet.
Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
I know your secret - I work at the clinic.
May I introduce myself?
Certainly - try those people over there.
Shall we go all the way?
Yes, as long as it's in different directions.
When can we be alone?
We'll be alone when we're not with each other. Hopefully that'll be soon.
Will you come out with me on Saturday?
Sorry, I'm having a headache at the weekend.
Women say I have the gift of the gab.
I suggest you wrap it up, then.
Would you like another drink?
Do you really think our relationship will last that long?
Technorati tags:humor, funny, pick up lines
Story: The Hospital Window
2 new posts, 1 below introducing our new tenant of the wk, dun miss tt one out, hehe - Espen
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.
Technorati tags:story, motivational, hospital window, miscellaneous
Admin: New Tenant!
Let's give a warm welcome for Scooter McGavin's 9th Green. As described by the blogger himself, this blog is your one-stop place for music, TV, sports, politics and anything else he deems worthy. So make sure you come back everyday or you'll pay, listen to what he says. Check it out.
Sunday, May 21, 2006Joke: If Movies Teach Us Anything II
- Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people, whether they are employed or not.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
Technorati tags: humor, funny, movies
Joke: Jim and John
Jim wanted to go skiing with his buddy John, so they loaded up John 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby drive leading to a magnificent estate. They asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge place all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in the main house."
"Don't worry," Jim said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the gatehouse. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way back to the gatehouse and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend John and asked, "John, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said John. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," John said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" John's face turned beet red, and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Technorati tags:humor, funny, miscellaneous
Joke: Slogans
Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.
A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....
THE BEST ONE:
"It's God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God." - Indian Armed Forces
Technorati tags:humor, funny, slogan
Admin: New Tenant!
Finally... a new tenant wif us! This week, let's welcome Internet Junkies Forum Blog! It's difficult to describe what kinda blog it is. As it's name suggests...'Internet Junkies"...it has a bit of everything...Check it out!
Saturday, May 13, 2006Joke: Find x.
This kid's too smart for his own good. =P - Espen
Technorati tags:humor, funny, maths
Joke: Baked Beans
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans.
Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Technorati tags:humor, funny, baked beans
Story: An Office Boy at Microsoft!
The 'My interpretation' part isn't mine =P - Espen
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor.
After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start".
The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job".
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round.
In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60US$. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.
Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S. He started to plan his family's future, and decidedto get life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied: "I don't have an email."
The broker replied curiously,"You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!"
The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft!"
My interpretation of this story is "If God closes one door, he opens a window". So my friends, don't be sad if what you wanted did not materialise, the Creator has a better plan to prosper you and not to harm you.
The moral of this story:
1- Internet is not the solution to your life
2- if you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3- if you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire.
P.S.: Do not reply to this email, I am going to sell tomatoes!!
Technorati tags:story, motivational, Microsoft
Miscellaneous: Incredible Language Power!
"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexinghandwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectualitycounterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness."
In this sentence the Nth word is N letters long. e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.
Technorati tags: miscellaneous, language, vocabulary
Admin: New Tenant!
This week, we have Howl @ the Moon wif us. Check it out.
Politically incorrect and randomly insane; why not leave reality behind for a while and join the lunatics at "Howl @ The Moon!" for a while. g'wan... you know you want to ;)
Joke: Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
Technorati tags:humor, funny, office
Story: This Will Bring Tears To Your Eyes
A very long touching story, you won't regret spending so much time on it. - Espen
As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he was constantly in need of a bath.
In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers. At the school where Mrs Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around."
His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class"
By now, Mrs Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After all the children left, she cried for at least an hour.
On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began teaching children. Mrs Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive.
The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the chidren the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he's stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs Thompson that she was still the best and favourite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favourite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that Spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference. Mrs Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you!"
For those of you who don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the doctor at Iowa Methodist in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.
Technorati tags:story, miscellaneous, motivational, touching
