Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.
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Joke: Words that Women Use
FIVE MINUTES
NOTHING
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
LOUD SIGH
SOFT SIGH
THAT'S OKAY
GO AHEAD!
PLEASE DO
THANKS
THANKS A LOT
Technorati tags:humor, funny, women
Joke: Nice Poetry =.=
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then ~
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
When your life is in darkness pray to God
Ask him to free u from darkness
And if after you pray
And you're still in darkness,
Please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
Technorati tags: humor, funny, poetry
Joke: Want a Laugh, Read This
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Always try to be modest! And be damn proud of it!
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Technorati tags:humor, funny, laugh
Admin: New Tenant!
Welcome Rocky Jay - A Series of Unfortunate Blog Incidents for a 2nd stint at Grand-pa! *two thumbsup* It's difficult to describe what this blog is all about.. A little of everything I guess. =P This is what Rocky Jay says about his blog:
"FIRSTLY, I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better; SECONDLY, I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. RockyJay.com features the infamous ASS of the DAY!"
Interesting, funny read. Check it out.
Joke: Designations at Office
Wonderful definitions of designations at office.
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. and lastly........
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
10) Team Lead is a person actually knows how many men and women required to deliver the baby, but will not tell anyone
Technorati tags:humor, funny, office
Story: Two Brothers
Once upon a time two brothers, who lived on adjoining farms, fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a conflict. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's tool box. "I'm looking for a few days' work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?" "Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you."
"Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor; in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better."
"See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence --an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming toward them, his hand outstretched. "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done." The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother. "I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, but I have many more bridges to build.
Food for Thought: Do you have any bridges that you need to build?
Technorati tags: story, miscellaneous, brothers
Health: Physical Exercises
Why is exercise or physical activity important?
Regular aerobic physical activity increases your fitness level and capacity for exercise. It also plays a role in both primary and secondary prevention of cardiovascular disease. Physical inactivity is a major risk factor for heart disease and stroke and is linked to cardiovascular mortality.
Regular physical activity can help control blood lipid abnormalities, diabetes and obesity. Aerobic physical activity can also help reduce blood pressure.
The results of pooled studies show that people who modify their behavior and start regular physical activity after heart attack have better rates of survival and better quality of life. Healthy people -- as well as many patients with cardiovascular disease -- can improve their fitness and exercise performance with training.
How can physical activity help condition my body?
- Some activities improve flexibility, some build muscular strength and some increase endurance.
- Some forms of continuous activities involve using the large muscles in your arms or legs. These are called endurance or aerobic exercises. They help the heart by making it work more efficiently during exercise and at rest.
- Brisk walking, jumping rope, jogging, bicycling, cross-country skiing and dancing are examples of aerobic activities that increase endurance. How can I improve my physical fitness?
Programs designed to improve physical fitness take into account frequency (how often), intensity (how hard), and time (how long). They provide the best conditioning.
The FIT Formula:
F = frequency (days per week)
I = intensity (how hard, e.g., easy, moderate, vigorous) or percent of heart rate
T = time (amount for each session or day)
For most healthy people:
For health benefits to the heart, lungs and circulation, perform any moderate-to-vigorous-intensity aerobic activity for at least 30 minutes on most days of the week at 50-75 percent of your maximum heart rate. You can accumulate 30 minutes in 10 or 15 minute sessions. What's important is to include physical activity as part of a regular routine.
These activities are especially beneficial when done regularly:
- brisk walking, hiking, stair-climbing, aerobic exercise
- jogging, running, bicycling, rowing and swimming
- activities such as soccer and basketball that include continuous running
The training effects of such activities are most apparent at exercise intensities that exceed 50 percent of a person's exercise capacity (maximum heart rate). If you're physically active regularly for longer periods or at greater intensity, you're likely to benefit more. But don't overdo it. Too much exercise can give you sore muscles and increase the risk of injury.
Technorati tags: health, exercises, miscellaneous
Joke: Marriage
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for:
"Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death."
Technorati tags: humor, funny, marriage
Admin: New Tenant!
Let's welcome this week's tenant, Clusterfook!
This is a personal blog of a woman who has survived cancer. Life's not fooked up; it's just the people in it is what she believes...
Check it out.
Joke: Only in America...
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Technorati tags:humor, funny, america
Story: 7 Wonders of the World
A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noticed that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:
1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love."
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!
A gentle reminder - that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
Technorati tags: story, miscellaneous, motivational
Joke: A Promotion?
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Technorati tags: humor, funny, promotion
