Gramps' Place

Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.

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Thursday, November 29, 2007
Miscellaneous: Birthday Pests!!

Look up your birthday and see what kind of pest you are!

Jan 01 - 09: Ass
Jan 10 - 24: Slug
Jan 25 - 31: Cockroach

Feb 01 - 05: Parasite
Feb 06 - 14: Bullfrog
Feb 15 - 21: Skunk
Feb 22 - 28: Snake

Mar 01 - 12: Ape
Mar 13 - 15: Cockroach
Mar 16 - 23: Slug
Mar 24 - 31: Parasite

Apr 01 - 03: Ass
Apr 04 - 14: Snake
Apr 15 - 26: Slug
Apr 27 - 30: Skunk

May 01 - 13: Slug
May 14 - 21: Bullfrog
May 22 - 31: Cockroach

June 01 - 03: Slug
June 04 - 14: Skunk
June 15 - 24: Ape
June 25 - 30: Parasite

July 01 - 09: Slug
July 10 - 15: Ass
July 16 - 26: Bullfrog
July 27 - 31: Parasite

Aug 01 - 15: Ape
Aug 16 - 25: Slug
Aug 26 - 31: Skunk

Sep 01 - 14: Bullfrog
Sep 15 - 27: Parasite
Sep 28 - 30: Ass

Oct 01 - 15: Ape
Oct 16 - 27: Skunk
Oct 28 - 31: Snake

Nov 01 - 16: Cockroach
Nov 17 - 30: Parasite

Dec 01 - 16: Ass
Dec 17 - 25: Ape
Dec 26 - 31: Bullfrog

If you are an Ass: A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.

If you are a Slug: Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Cockroach: Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!! Well, well... hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful...

If you are a Skunk: You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it ack in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what the best trait of you guys remain.

If you are a Bullfrog: You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can every encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love...

If you are a Snake: You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmostphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are an Ape: Very impatient and hyper!! You want things to be done as quickly as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique.. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, our sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!

Tags: miscellaneous, personality, birthday

posted by sc @ 3:07 pm |

Sunday, November 25, 2007
Joke: Fission or Fusion

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said.. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Tags:humor, joke, fission or fusion

posted by sc @ 10:31 pm |

Saturday, November 17, 2007
Joke: Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the pol ice officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Technorati tags humor, joke, wife

posted by sc @ 12:13 pm |

Saturday, November 10, 2007
Joke: Mechanical Problems

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Note: Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance people.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Technorati tags:humor, joke, mechanical problems

posted by sc @ 2:33 pm |

Saturday, November 03, 2007
New Link: The Hunger Site

Hi ppl, I've just added a link on the left side navigation bar to The Hunger Site eh. While you're here having a laugh reading up jokes on Gramp's Place, do take some time out to click the link on The Hunger Site to help feed the poor. Let's help the needy!

Technorati tags:hunger, miscellaneous

posted by sc @ 3:18 pm |