Here at Gramps' Place, we share very funny and sometimes pretty lame jokes, interesting, motivational or educational stories, fun facts and also tips on how to stay healthy.
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Health: Importance of Sleep
Therefore, sleeping is very important to us. If you wish to have a long life and stay healthy, please take note of the advice below.
5 DON'TS when you are sleeping:
DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.
DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered that wearing bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.
DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phones and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.
DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.
DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE
You may never wake up again. This is no joking matter. Its been researched before.
Admin: Happy Lunar New Year!
Dear readers
Jus wanna take this chance to wish all Chinese out there a Happy Lunar New Year! And I forgot to introduce you to my first blogspace renter, Haunted House Dressing! Based on comments/suggestions by some of my fellow members from BE, I've shifted the Blog Sites links to the navigation column on the left. 1 said that the colourful buttons spoil the artistic impression of the site while another find it very distracting from the articles...=P
Espen
Miscellaneous: Don't Pass Up Chances
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched "Jeopardy" on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain." And my personal favourite, "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get boy-boy or girl-girl toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would've died happy.
Now, go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to, not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end, you will understand why it's worth reading.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry-go-round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...thrown away...life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to...I cherish our friendship.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!"
Joke: Telephone Technology
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists have found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Singapore newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Singapore scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.
Proud to be a Singaporean...
Joke: Alas, A Guru Who Makes Sense!
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? Q: Is swimming good for your figure? Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live long? Take a nap.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
A: Are you crazy? HELLO...Cocoa beans...another vegetable!! It's the best feel-good food around!
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
A: Hey! Round is a shape!
Admin: Contributions Wanted!
Special thanks to the first few daily readers of my blog I currently have now. First of all, apologies for such a slow update this wk. As a Singaporean, I'm currently serving the nation in NS(National Service) but am already in the final stretch of my term. =) After this brief stint back at camp, I'll be home more often to update my blog regularly so...stay devoted! I'd also like to take this chance to ask for any interesting mails you might've received from your friends, or stuff you've read on other websites/blogs. If you find any, pls kindly email them to me @ espen@interestin.com. I have a little pool of articles which I'm drawing from, while continually searching for new ones on the net or waiting for my friends to email them to me. Contributions are greatly appreciated. Thanks again!
Health: How To Survive A Heart Attack When Alone
However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a phone and, between breaths, call for help.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives!
Joke: Anagram
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
Story: Is Packaging Important To You?
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" He then stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and a wonderful family, but realizing his father was very old, he thought perhaps he should go to see him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make the arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he was reading, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words… "PAID IN FULL".
How many times do we miss blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? I trust you enjoyed this. Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
Sometimes we don't realize the good fortune we have or we could have because we expect "the packaging" to be different. What may appear as bad fortune may in fact be the door that is just waiting to be opened. - Catherine Pulsifer
Miscellaneous: When You're In Love
Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone. Then, you are in love.
Although that special someone was supposed to have called you long back, to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet. You are desperately waiting for the call! At that moment, you are in love.
If you are much more excited for one short e- mail from that special someone than other many long e-mails, you are in love.
When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your answering machine because of one message from that special someone, you are in love.
When you get a couple of free movie tickets, you would not hesitate to think of that special someone. Then, you are in love.
You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend", but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction. At that moment, you are in love.
While you are reading this page, if someone appears in your mind, then you are in love with that person.
Admin: New Blog Skin!
Dear readers
The previous design was a rip-off of http://www.problogger.net as spotted by one of our readers. It was meant to be a temporary one til I come up with an original one suitable for grand-pa and here you have it, the new design which I feel is more elegant in nature. Hope you guys will like this new design! In the midst of changing the source code, some of the comments posted by our readers are lost. My sincerest apologies... Feel free to post back the same comment where it was and I will respond accordingly. Thank you very much. Any comments?
Espen
Joke: Clever Woman
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.'' The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM-- she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM--she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.
Don't mess with clever women.
Health: Bananas
Depression:
PMS:
Anemia:
Blood Pressure:
Brain Power:
Constipation:
Hangovers:
Heartburn:
Mornin Sickness:
Mosquito bites:
Nerves:
Overweight:
Ulcers:
Temperature control:
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Smoking:Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress:
Strokes:
So maybe its time to change the well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
Miscellaneous: Love Your Mum
When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you.You thanked her by crying all night long.
When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk.You thanked her by running away when she called.
When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love.You thanked her by taossing your plate on the floor.
When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons.You thanked her by colouring the dining room table.
When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays.You thanked her by plopping into the neartest pile of mud.
When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school.You thanked her by screaming, "I'm not going!"
When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbour's window.
When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream.You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.
When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.You thanked her by never even bothering to practise.
When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another.You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies.You thanked her by asking her to sit in a different row.
When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows.You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.
When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.
When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.
When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug.You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.
When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car.You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.
When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.You thanked her by being on the phone all night.
When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation.You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.
When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus, carried your bags.You thanked her by saying goodbye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarassed in front of your friends.
When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone.You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your business."
When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future.You thanked her by saying, "I don't want to be like you."
When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation.You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.
When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment.You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.
When you were 24, she met your fiance and asked about your plans for the future.You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther, please!"
When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.
When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby.You thanked her by telling her, "Things are different now."
When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday.You thanked her by saying you were "really busy right now."
When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her.You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.
And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.
If you love your mum, email this, don't take advantage of her!
Health: 10 Essential Health Tips
"He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything." - Arabian Proverb
1. Move More
Make it a daily challenge to find ways to move your body. Climb stairs if given a choice between that and escalators or elevators. Walk your dog; chase your kids; toss balls with friends, mow the lawn. Anything that moves your limbs is not only a fitness tool, it's a stress buster. Think 'move' in small increments of time. It doesn't have to be an hour in the gym or a 45-minute aerobic dance class or tai chi or kickboxing. But that's great when you're up to it. Meanwhile, move more. Thought for the day: Cha, Cha, Cha…. Then do it!
2. Cut Fat
Avoid the obvious such as fried foods, burgers and other fatty meats (i.e. pork, bacon, ham, salami, ribs and sausage). Dairy products such as cheese, cottage cheese, milk and cream should be eaten in low fat versions. Nuts and sandwich meats, mayonnaise, margarine, butter and sauces should be eaten in limited amounts. Most are available in lower fat versions such as substitute butter, fat free cheeses and mayonnaise. Thought for the day: Lean, mean, fat-burning machine…. Then be one!
3. Quit Smoking
The jury is definitely in on this verdict. Ever since 1960 when the Surgeon General announced that smoking was harmful to your health, Americans have been reducing their use of tobacco products that kill. Just recently, we've seen a surge in smoking in adolescents and teens. Could it be the Hollywood influence? It seems the stars in every movie of late smoke cigarettes. Beware. Warn your children of the false romance or 'tough guy' stance of Hollywood smokers. Thought for the day: Give up just one cigarette...the next one.
4. Reduce Stress
Easier said than done, stress busters come in many forms. Some techniques recommended by experts are to think positive thoughts. Spend 30 minutes a day doing something you like. (i.e.,Soak in a hot tub; walk on the beach or in a park; read a good book; visit a friend; play with your dog; listen to soothing music; watch a funny movie. Get a massage, a facial or a haircut. Meditate. Count to ten before losing your temper or getting aggravated. Avoid difficult people when possible. Thought for the day: When seeing red, think pink clouds….then float on them.
5. Protect Yourself from Pollution
If you can't live in a smog-free environment, at least avoid smoke-filled rooms, high traffic areas, breathing in highway fumes and exercising near busy thoroughfares. Exercise outside when the smog rating is low. Exercise indoors in air conditioning when air quality is good. Plant lots of shrubbery in your yard. It's a good pollution and dirt from the street deterrent. Thought for the day: 'Smoke gets in your eyes'…and your mouth, and your nose and your lungs as do pollutants….hum the tune daily.
6. Wear Your Seat Belt
Statistics show that seat belts add to longevity and help alleviate potential injuries in car crashes. Thought for the day: Buckle down and buckle up.
7. Floss Your Teeth
Recent studies make a direct connection between longevity and teeth flossing. Nobody knows exactly why. Perhaps it's because people who floss tend to be more health conscious than people who don't? Thought for the day: Floss and be your body's boss.
8. Avoid Excessive Drinking
While recent studies show a glass of wine or one drink a day (two for men) can help protect against heart disease, more than that can cause other health problems such as liver and kidney disease and cancer. Thought for the day: A jug of wine should last a long time.
9. Keep a Positive Mental Outlook
There's a definitive connection between living well and healthfully and having a cheerful outlook on life. Thought for the day: You can't be unhappy when you're smiling or singing.
10. Choose Your Parents Well
The link between genetics and health is a powerful one. But just because one or both of your parents died young in ill health doesn't mean you cannot counteract the genetic pool handed you. Thought for the day: Follow these basic tips for healthy living and you can better control your own destiny.
Story: Paid in Full
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water.
She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said, "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval.
He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.
She read these words.....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed)
Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."
Joke: An Atheist
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
Joke: Avoiding The Weight Limit
A man's driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab, runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row, the car driver follows him until he pulls into a parking lot. When they've both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out, runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door.
The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the truck-driver replies, "Sorry mate, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
Miscellaneous: Time
To realise the value of a sister:
Ask someone Who doesn't have one.
To realise the value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realise the value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realise the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realise the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still-born.
To realise the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realise the value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realise the value of one second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realise the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
General Knowledge: Fun Facts
Four people played Darth Vader: David Prowse was his body, James Earl Jones did the voice, Sebastian Shaw was his face and a fourth person did the breathing.
If you told someone that they were one in a million, you'd be saying there were about 1,800 of them in China.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Dennis the Menace's favorite drink is Root beer.
According to law, no store is allowed to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island. Yet these same stores are allowed to sell toothpaste and mouthwash on Sundays.
A theater manager in Seoul, Korea felt that The Sound of Music was too long, so he shortened it by cutting out all the songs.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Story: The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes".
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life."
"The golf balls are the important things - God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions - and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," He continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life."
"If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter."
"Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Joke: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: Philosophers merely think about the road. The point is to cross it.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. Tune in, turn on, fry out.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JOSEPH STALIN: I don't care, Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.
RONALD REAGAN: Which road?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: Nowhere in the Bible does it say that crossing the road constitutes adultery.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER (from X-Files): You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; It was an instinctive manoeuvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmmmmm, chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
TUKOROIRANGI MORGAN (sometime NZ politician): The chicken's mana entitled it to cross the road whenever it wanted and wherever it wanted. The chicken is not required to provide a reason for its actions. It's time the rednecks stopped chicken-bashing.
WINSTON PETERS (sometime NZ politician): I am fed up with the constant stream of unproven accusations from the press. The chicken did nothing with public money that was outside his tender commitment.
BRUCE SLANE (NZ Privacy Commissioner): I am concerned at the disclosure of this information on the chicken's crossing. Such reports have left the chicken feeling completely let down, and have hurt its feelings and affected its attitude.
SAM HUNT (sometime NZ poet): And so the chicken crossed the road/But also rode the cross/Our nation's boss the Southern Cross/Now bears his paltry load.
PAUL HOLMES (sometime NZ TV presenter): Well. The chicken crossed the road. Or so we all thought. It now seems that the whole story may have been invented by the chicken's press secretary to boost interest in a new book published by the very same chook. Tonight on Holmes we investigate.
JIM HICKEY (NZ TV weather person): The chicken was tripped up by the end of a tropical cyclone and was caught in a nor'westerly flow while the depression moved out into the Pacific.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
